Ok so a few of you have been asking for a mental health update for a while and I’m telling you now I doubt it will be what you might be expecting and it’s not exactly the post you asked for but I hope you still get something out of it.
When I first started writing this post, it was meant to be a positive thing. It was meant to be a post of achievement, of pulling myself out of anorexia and back on track. But maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. At the moment it feels like the harder I push to get back up, the harder I swim to get my head above the water the more I drown.
I left anorexia behind I got out. It took me about 2.5 months to get back on track. They were the hardest months I’ve probably ever had in my life. But I did it. I came up to breathe. I was out of the boot my ankle was so improved and I was able to get back to all the things I love like ballet and sport. Only to start getting panic attacks a term later. Then I started to get pain in my ankle again. It got worse and worse until I had to go back to the physio. They told it would get better with rest. Told me they could heal it again the same as last time. You were doing amazing for 6 months I was told and he promised that it would be better again.
This was such a lie, even if my physio didn’t realise he was telling me one. Over the next few weeks I wore the boot so diligently. I did no sport no dance no ballet no nothing. Even though I was going crazy inside I just wanted to get back to what I love, I fought with those urges and stayed still. I went back to the physio and was told it was getting worse. That I will never be allowed to return to ballet and certainly not pointe. This broke me. The news that this passion of mine was no longer something I could do. That what I had been doing for 12 years I could never do again or I would be in a boot for 3 quarters of the year each year every year.I was told just to keep resting it, I was told there was a chance it could get better enough even just for basic classes but never pointe. See maybe this is silly but I do ballet for pointe. I have always done it with pointe as the end goal. Never to be a ballerina but just a dancer. I use ballet as a creative outlet, to let out emotion and to challenge myself.
I guess you could think of it as a netball player who only played for the excitement of scoring goals or a soccer player who only did it for the thrill. But I kept resting my ankle. I did even less, doing absolutely nothing that was avoidable.
Then the pain got more intense. It became hard to concentrate when it was akt it’s worse and it scared me. Causing me panic attacks which I often struggled to get under control. My sleep became worse, I often sneak out of my room to a different room, turn the light on and just sit for an hour or two. Contemplating everything that has happened.
Doing no exercise is doing bad things for my mental health. I started to become very aware of what I was eating and some of the terrible food guilt I had had during my experience with anorexia started popping up again. Ever since pulling my self out of that dark whole it has plagued me. The guilt not as extreme as before and less frequent but still there. It’s like I am having a fight between two people within my own brain. But until now I had always managed to keep it under control, helping my non toxic mind set to win out. But doing nothing, it became difficult. I was suddenly aware I had no way to burn what I was eating. I started doing some core exercises which helped a bit but still didn’t add up to the hours of activity I had been doing before. All this made the guilt a lot worse. Whenever I picked up something unhealthy like a sweet treat my brain flashes like a larger image of me in front of my eyes.
The phsyio told me to get an MRI, which is a big scan. I was told to just keep resting it and keep going to physio. They put me on crutches which I am terrible at using making me more demoralised. I feel like I am sinking again which is so so freaky. I don’t want t return to that head space, where food is the enemy. I am scared of myself during those times I know how bad it is I know now that I wasn’t doing myself any favours yet I still find it so so difficult. I feel like I’m being dragged against my will. So I decided to be proactive and start trying to eat healthier to keep my mind at bay to try and feel like I was doing something, anything.
Thing is even though I am a big supporter of loving people for who they are no matter their shape and size I was, I still am scared of the judgement I will revive from my peers if I gain even a little weight, I am scared that I won’t be able to live my dream of becoming an actress, I am scared that when I am 70 I will look back on myself and wonder how I could have been such an idiot to get this injury. I think maybe I am scared of myself. And I try to have hope and I try to remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, that everything happens for a reason and that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help my situation but rest my ankle.
But it is so hard. I resent myself for getting this injury I am scared of myself when I have those thoughts of not eating, scared of those visions as I hold food of myself larger, I am panicked about my thoughts about what I have done to my ankle. And most of all I don’t know what to do.
I told Honey she was great, she is amazing but she has fought her own battles and it is hard enough to explain anyway. I know that I can control these thoughts I have done it before I pulled myself out of all that before and I deal all the time with this guilt. So why am I finding it so hard all of a sudden? Does my boot really have this much of an impact on my mental health?! Well yeah I’m a way it does. It stops me from living the way I want to live, it’s stopped me from dancing.
Wow this is a full on post! Does anyone else connect with anything I mentioned? Any advice on how to deal/cope with all this?
Also I understand this topic can be quite confronting and often people have questions so please feel free to ask me any in the comments other wise feel free to contact me using the Contact Me page or send me a dm on my Instagram daisychaindreaming_.
I am always up for a chat and if you are going through something like this or are going through a situation don’t hesitate to use one of the methods above to contact me!
P.S My first mental health update is called We Are Stars We Are Beautiful – My Eating Issues and I encourage you to give it a read if you have the time! Also it will add a bit of backstory to this post!
P.P.S Who loved this extra post! I wasn’t meant to post till next week!